So the night before last I had a bit of a temper tantrum while we were in bed together. We'd all gone to sleep then woke up in the middle of the night. In our groggy half awake state my partners started getting touchy with one another. Normally this would be fine. I may choose to watch, participate or roll over and go back to sleep. None of those three options is better or worse. We all just let things happen usually. There has been some discussions in the past about things one or more of us felt uncomfortable or unsure about to make certain we're all on the same page.
One of those discussions has been around the fact that I initiate lots with our girl and she seemed either withdrawn or reluctant to give back or meet me in the middle when it comes to adult time between us girls. Up to this point she had never stopped me or said no so I figured she was still feeling shy. She had said she was feeling shy because it had been many years since she was intimate with a woman. She had been in a 14 year mono marriage with a man. She also wanted to be sure of her feelings for me before she moved too far because she's not the kind of person who has sex just for fun. That's a fair enough response. Definitely something I can give her space and time to figure out.
During this time period our connection was growing, or so I thought. We spent countless hours talking, hanging out together, hugging, holding one another, being there for each other when someone had a bad day etc. She told me daily she loved me. A few nights ago I never imagined I would get the response from her that I did when I tried to initiate adult time. She told me no. It wasn't a casual no. It was a pretty stern no. I backed off, left her alone and went to sleep.
The following night was when I had my temper tantrum. The two of them were getting pretty hot & heavy with each other. I asked them if they could please take it in the extra bedroom. Hubby asked why. I said because it's bothering me to lay here while you two touch each other, I don't want to see it or hear it tonight. He rolled over toward the wall. She laid quietly in the middle. I got up and went downstairs for an hour and a half.
While I was downstairs I wrote out my feelings. I was feeling very confused, hurt, a little envious, overall badly about how I perceived the relationship between her and I to be taking shape. Seeing/hearing them was the last straw for my emotions. I told her I needed clarification once and for all about whether her and I were going to remain friends sharing a love for the same man or if we were going to be lovers as well because I was developing strong feelings for her. If we were going to remain only friends I needed to know so I could protect my own heart.
I ended up going back up to bed. Hubby was sound asleep. She was still awake. She tried to hold me, asking if I wanted to talk. I pulled away, said no. After I'd thought about it for a while I decided she deserved the respect of hearing my feelings directly from me not in an email. So we came downstairs to talk. She told me all of her feelings, her thoughts etc. and I felt horrible for blowing up at them. I'd let things fester for too long until my emotions were too tender to remain rational.
At the end of the conversation she took my face in her hands, looked me in the eyes, told me she loved me and gave me kisses filled with electricity. It was like fireworks.
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