Hold back or open up

When we have some specified thing that is a deal breaker for us-it's usually a good sign we need to do some hefty considering about that thing because; while it could be a simple, healthy boundary,there is a high risk that it's actually not. That it is in fact a place where we are holding ourselves back from fully opening up.This is an issue I had to look at not long ago and examine my own feelings, intentions, wishes about.

I'm not sure exactly how it all started but my first memory of it being something I thought about or had any feelings on was during a late night cuddle session between me, Bud and Sweet Lady. I only remember hearing him tell her they would make cute babies together. The two of them were wrapped up in each others' arms in post sex glow while I was laying holding Sweet Lady's hand, half asleep next to them. It was late so I think I may have fallen asleep shortly after hearing it. I honestly don't recall any other details since it was a while ago. It sure did get my brain thinking over the next few weeks.

I approached Bud about the idea of them having a baby together. I told him I was very opposed to the idea. His only children in this world were with me. I wanted to keep it that way. I had already shared so much of him with Sweet Lady that I felt as if I needed to keep this one piece of him as mine and mine only. As soon as the words left my mouth so my ears could hear them, I felt horrible. Somehow it didn't sound so bad when it was only thoughts.

They are both my partners, hopefully life long partners. The other piece of that is; if one of my partners did want to have a child with someone else, it's not my place to hold my partner back. There's a point in poly where we are forced to face ourselves in a mirror and consider just exactly how polyamorous we are willing to be. I use that word in the strictest sense of multiple-loves.

Because love isn't limited.

If we aren't willing to allow full and complete loving relationships, are we really polyamorous or are we maybe something more like polykinky or polyaffectionate or something? Not that we need to create new terminology-but that we need to dig deeper into our own selves and identify what it is that we really are accepting of. Because if we aren't accepting of our partners earning the same privileges with other partners as they earned with us-then we are playing a favorites game and that isn't loving...

I've been Sweet Lady's biggest advocate in being sure she is treated as an equal partner, as a co-primary, not a secondary in any sense of the word. In my own mind I was being ethical and fair in my relationships when in reality I was behaving very selfishly. I was letting jealousy and possessiveness rule my emotions there by putting my partners in a position of having to choose to behave how I wanted. I wasn't allowing them the freedom to be themselves or make their own decisions about their relationships. Even worse I was the one keeping Sweet Lady in secondary status. I was the one taking things away from her. Realizing this was heart breaking for me.

Here is this beautiful, kind, giving, loving woman who has bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved by her. She's become a second mom to my own children. She has fully accepted all of our craziness without complaint or an expression of second thoughts. She will never be able to be Bud's wife because I already have that title and laws don't allow her the same status. Now I was using my own emotional garbage to keep her and Bud from sharing the one last thing left for them to show each other and the world the love they share, a child together, by telling Bud he couldn't do it.

I have since come full circle in my feelings on the idea of them someday having a child of their own. Whether they do or not is up to them.But it will be something I fully support if they do decide to. After working through my own stuff I've been able to come to a place of being happy for them if they do (maybe even secretly excited about the possibility). But Shhhhhh don't tell them because it is their choice after all, not mine.