Different relationships

When you enter the poly world it's easy to get caught up in comparing relationships. We are so used to the model of monogamy as to how relationships can work that our minds can get stuck in searching for that even when we know we're in a poly relationship. We see how others within our poly circle relate to one another and we automatically want *that* kind of relationship. Even worse we begin to feel like our relationship with the same person isn't working because it isn't like that relationship over there.

I got caught up in that very thing early on in the poly process. I saw the passionate, extended love making sessions and all night snuggling that Bud and Sweet Lady would engage in. I was consumed with feeling like I wasn't good enough or being treated the same as her. After all when Bud, and I had sex it was always the same, it was considerably shorter and I was lucky if I could get a few minutes of snuggling with him. Usually he just went back to his side of the bed, rolled over and went to sleep. He certainly wasn't keeping me wrapped tightly in his arms all night long, kissing my forehead, whispering in my ear or smiling contently in his sleep like he did with Sweet Lady.

At first I really struggled with this. I was happy on the outside for them but on the inside I was wondering what was wrong with me. Once I was able to step back and look at it from a logical viewpoint instead of an emotional one I finally understood. I didn't have this with Bud because our relationship had evolved into something else over time. We did do those things when our relationship was new. It was that newly found love and bonding that had kept us together long enough to get to a point of being comfortable with one another. We no longer needed those things with each other because the bond was already there. Bud and Sweet Lady still need that foundation to build on. If they build their relationship without a solid foundation it will teeter and fall. I need to step back and let them build it. Even more important than taking a step back is making sure they both feel loved and supported in the process.

When I began to look at it in this way I was able to understand that Bud and Sweet Lady were bonding the way he and I had in the beginning. You see Bud is not a talker. He never has been. His way of showing he cares is very private. He allows you into his heart by keeping you physically close to his heart ie all night snuggling sessions and making you feel good through sex. Which right now for him is HUGE because sex is always excruciatingly painful for him with the back issues he's having. He's putting himself out there and suffering in order to make us feel loved. Granted it may not be exactly what we want when we want it but he's making an effort in the best way he knows how.Sometimes when we love a person we have to step outside our own thought bubble of the right way to do things and see if the way in front of us was actually the right way all along.