Hello World

This is my first post on a blog since becoming involved in a polyamorous relationship. It wasn’t always so. I was my husband’s one and only for 14 years; aside from a couple of brief time periods when he left in order to pursue another woman in a mono fashion before realizing he wanted to be with me and coming back. I knew almost a decade ago that he was not wired to love one woman exclusively for the rest of his life. I presented my thoughts to him a few times over the years to think about. While he agreed, he was also afraid of admitting it to himself, to me, his family, the world, that he needed more than me. Afterall we live in a world that says monogamy is the “right” way to do relationships.

I’m not sure my intellectual mind believes that. Look at the divorce rates to see how well monogamy serves people. It’s apparent that monogamy is not all it’s cracked up to be. How about turning on day time television to see the plethora of shows about cheating spouses and the damage it has caused for many lives. You could search through the yellow pages and find a private investigator to follow your spouse in order to prove their extra-marital affairs beyond a reasonable doubt or look through phone texts, emails, online activity etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on of the ways you could see that monogamy does not work. Ahhh but then the question comes up does polyamory work any better or even at all?

In order to find the answer to that question my husband and I spent countless hours talking about every possible scenario we could think of in an attempt to analyze our feelings if the scenario in question were to happen. I felt fairly confident I could be OK with my husband loving another at the same time he loves me. I’m not a jealous person. I got this!!! I told myself that so much it became second nature. I even believed it to be true. My belief wasn’t meant to trick anyone nor hurt anyone. I really truly thought I would never feel a single twinge of jealousy. Boy oh boy was I in for it when I was finally faced with it. Little did I know reality was waiting in the wings to beat me senseless for having thought that.

There was a stretch of time things rolled along smoothly once hubby had his girlfriend. Until we got to August 13 of this year. I gave him and his girlfriend a hug, said good night to them, and went upstairs to the extra room of our house while they went into the marital bedroom my hubby and I had shared to spend the night together. It wasn’t the first time they had spent the night together. This was to be the night reality was going to jump out of the closet swinging at me with everything it had. And let me tell you reality packed one hell of a punch right to my gut! I spent the entire night awake pacing, drawing, watching tv, writing letters to my hubby, reading online poly forums…doing anything I could think of just to make the damn pain stop. I was desperate for it to just STOP. I still have the letter I wrote to my hubby that night as a reminder of not only where I was but also where I never ever want to be again.

I still struggle to stay out of that place. A place of wanting to do the easy thing. A place of wanting to run away. I love my husband dearly. He is my soul mate. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But there is still this piece of me that desperately wishes I was enough for him. A part of me that wishes I could wake up one morning with all of this having been a dream and there is no other woman that he loves.

Alas that is not reality. This isn’t a dream. I’m not going to wake up because I’m already awake. There is another woman he loves. She’s not just another woman either. She’s a beautiful, vivacious, kind-hearted, gentle soul who lights up his life in ways I do not and cannot do for him. The love they share deserves to be celebrated even if I’m feeling some days like my world is crashing down around me. So I’m giving them freedom and space to take their relationship in whatever direction suits them.