We have a house!

We went to look at a possible house this past weekend. After everyone had a chance to see it and talk about things we decided to take it. It's exciting, scarey and overwhelming all at once. This is it. We will all be living together. Holy Moly......we will all be living together!!! I can't wait to be able to get moved in and set up. But that also means leaving our home of more than 10 years, our kids changing schools, leaving behind friends & family. There is also a part of me that's very sad to leave behind what I've known for so long and what feels safe for me in order to take on something new. I'm a creature of habit. Change is extremely difficult for me. I spent some time this morning on the phone with all of the utility companies talking about getting things set up. The house we're moving into is in such a rural area that cable tv/internet/phone isn't available so we have to get a different company for those things.

Bud had an MRI at the local hospital this morning at 6:30. Sweet Lady and I are taking him to another hospital to meet with a surgeon this afternoon. Hopefully we can come home with some answers as to how to help him. It's been hard having him in so much pain. He is physically here with us as much as he can be but emotionally he's very disconnected from me lately. Intimately the connection with him is non-existent for me the last few weeks. I'm starting to really miss him even though he lives right here with me. Soon, I keep telling myself, soon he will be back with me. We just have to get over this one little speed bump.

And here is a picture of the house I took from Google maps. The cars you see parked are not our cars. It's whomever was there before us.

Happy Halloween!!!

This is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love Halloween. This is the best one in a very long time. It is our first one with Sweet Lady as part of our family. She and Bud took the kids out trick & treating then to his parents' house so meme and bampa could see the costumes. OMG Sweet Lady looks absolutely amazing in her costume. Everyone was so excited to go. It was originally planned that I would accompany them but as I thought about it I decided to gracefully bow out. I told Sweet Lady and Bud that I would like it if they took the chance to be together as a couple with the kids. I was involved by helping to put costumes on, do hair & make-up and send them off out the door. It felt like a nice way to not only include everyone in some way but to also share the joy with Sweet Lady and give her that bonding time with Bud. I was so worried in the beginning that we would never figure all of this out for a relationship involving three people. It has ended up just sort of falling into place. I think it helps a lot that we are all looking out for one another instead of being selfish. I also started a surprise for Sweet Lady today. It's going to take a few months to be completed though. I hope I can keep the secret that long.

In my happy place

Last night Sweet Lady took all of the kids to her house for a movie so Bud and I could have a date night. We didn't do much because his back was hurting. Sat in the living room, watched episodes of Mysteries at the Museum and talked. It wasn't terribly exciting but it was nice to have that quiet time with him. We didn't even ask her to. She just told us she was doing it and left no room for discussion about it. She is the most amazing woman I've ever met. Really!!! I'm not kidding.

She came into a relationship that must have felt pretty strange to her at times with a married man. Then ended up in a relationship with me shortly after. She's handled herself with dignity and grace that I'm not sure I could have found if I had been in her place. We're very lucky to have her as part of our family.

Bud is over spending time with her at her house now. She's got some kid-free time for about an hour. Her younger two went out with the oldest one for a little while. Little Buddy seems to be doing ok with Daddy being gone for the time being. Maybe he's starting to get used to it.

Our 3 year old

Poor little guy is having a hard time with missing Daddy when he goes to Sweet Lady's. Bud is over at her house again right now. Little buddy has been super clingy to me since Daddy left saying he misses him. We thought the meltdown from little buddy last night was due to Daddy not saying goodbye or anything before he left. So today he made sure to say goodbye along with letting him know he'd be back soon. It hasn't seemed to help. Bud has been the stay at home parent since little buddy was a baby so Dad is his safety and comfort. Not sure how to navigate this one. Maybe it's just going to take time for him to adjust to not having Daddy around 24/7?

I'm trying really hard to maintain patience until we move into a house that has all of us in one place. I know this is only temporary but damn it mama bear really wants to come out right now. I see something upsetting my children and my first instinct is to fight & protect. In this case I need to let it go though. The two of them need and deserve time alone to do whatever they want. I wish there was an instruction manual for poly and kids. I would open up to the chapter that tells me how to handle this situation and calm my mama bear feelings. 

Quiet house

My house is amazingly quiet at the moment. I know...I know, I jinxed myself by writing that. My and Bud's oldest one has a friend visiting and they are outside talking about whatever it is pre-teen girls talk about. Our other 2 girls are volunteering at the community center peeling apples for an apple pie fundraiser and the youngest is playing quietly. Bud is at Sweet Lady's house spending time with her and her kids. I need to cook dinner but I'm procrastinating by writing on my blog. I suppose the kids will want to be fed so I should go cook. It's a cold rainy day. I would rather be curled up under a blanket with a reading book or my journals.

Back pain, couches, and short tempers

Bud's back pain has been pretty bad the last week or so. He hasn't slept in bed with Sweet Lady and I since last Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't recall which day for sure, just that it's been a while. Laying down for him is extremely painful. He sleeps in the recliner downstairs for now. That's meant little sleep for him. No cuddle time for Sweet Lady and I with him and no adult time with him either. Sweet Lady and I have spent a lot of time either worrying about him, taking care of every day tasks, or trying to catch up sleep because we are both exhausted. We had a bit of a tense night recently where Bud wanted to talk with us both and the conversation ended abruptly after something I said was taken wrong. Bud tried to approach the conversation a second time but he was still on edge so it ended abruptly again without being productive.

He expressed the night before last that he gets pretty lonely being downstairs all night in the recliner. Sweet Lady and I have been sleeping on the couch since then so he isn't alone. It's not easy to fit two people on a couch but it helps Bud feel better. We'll get through it. Sweet Lady and I are going to ask Bud if he would be willing to sleep on a recliner in the bedroom while we sleep in the bed. That seems like a good way to fix both issues for now. Bud will be able to be near us. Sweet Lady and I will be able to get a better night of sleep.

I've noticed myself getting very off in my mood lately. I've been stressed about work related things. I haven't been able to reconnect with Bud or Sweet Lady the way I'd like to. It's a quick hug or kiss here & there as we all buzz around with a million things on our minds. Which is a part of life. I do realize that. I just enjoy the physical contact. It doesn't even have to be sexual all the time. Just holding one another helps me feel reconnected at the end of the day.

Anyhow, real life is calling me back so I better sign off now. Hope everyone out there is having a wonderful Autumn!!!

House hunting continued

So the lead on the house that Bud was able to get has led to lots of conversations between all of us. It's great we are all able to talk as easily as we do but man oh man who would have thought it could bring up all the emotions we've been experiencing. We've gone from the high of Woo Hoo finally a house possibilty! To OMG finally a house possibility.....oh shit...there's a lot of logistics involved in making this decision...which direction do we go first?! We are slowly figuring it out one step at a time to see if this house will be the one or not. It would involve school changes for the kids or finding creative ways to keep them in the same school if we move out of town. It also changes the driving time back & forth to work for me and Sweet Lady as well as putting us in the position of driving a nasty mountain road in the winter. Which we're both willing to do. It will all work out however it's supposed to.

Relaxing weekend

It's been a chilly kind of blah weekend so far here in VT. The fall foliage is gorgeous though! It did stop raining after a while this morning but stayed cool. Sweet Lady and I went to the grocery store then came home to have lunch with Bud. This afternoon we had hot chocolate with the kiddos. Sweet Lady brought over marshmallow Peeps to put in it. The kiddos thought that was pretty cool. We're having a family meal tonight with all the kids together. Chicken Parmesan, spaghetti, garlic bread and green beans. Chances are it will be an early night. We're all pretty tired. It will be nice to snuggle with her tonight. She stayed at her house last night to get some things done.

Houses

We've been living in two separate households that are next to each other which is OK but not ideal. Since August there have been several discussions about finding one household for everyone to live in. Bud made a phone call to someone he's known for a long time that owns rental properties. He has three properties that will be available in the near future. We're hoping one of them will be what we're looking for so we can finally move.

It's been a while...

I seem to have gotten caught up in life over the last week or so. There was so much going on. Bud had a MRSA infection on his back from a spider bite that was excruciatingly painful. After a week of antibiotics that were not clearing it up his doctor put in a six inch drain which I had to pull out two inches of each day for three days. Thankfully he is on the mend from that now.

Both vehicles broke down at the same time. Bud's is now fixed. Mine is not. So we will be attempting to share his truck for a while. I strongly dislike driving his truck but it's better than not being able to get around so I'm thankful to have it as an option.

Friday was my 38th birthday. Sweet Lady made sure I had a wonderful day. She gave me a lovely card, beautiful flowers & balloons plus made my favorite carrot cake. I'll include a pic of the flowers & balloons at the end of this post. We had a nice evening at home with a few drinks after the kids went to bed. Sweet Lady and I had a lot of bonding that night as well as her and Bud. Overall it will be a night I look back on and smile about frequently throughout my life time.

Last night was my and Bud's wedding anniversary. Sweet Lady once again made the day unforgettable just by being her wonderful, kind, thoughtful self. At the end of the day her and Bud surprised me with an adult night that was amazing. Have I mentioned I absolutely adore these two people? I am so in love with both of them it overflows from my heart.

Today the three of us were looking at wedding rings and talking about possible dates. There is nothing out there made for a relationship that involves more than two people. It's very frustrating! We'll figure it out. Just means we will have the freedom to make our day entirely our own from scratch.

Tears

What whimsy lines my lover's tears?
What feelings might a woman espy?
Her hopes, her dreams, her thoughts and fears-
what lies behind those dazzling eyes?

Perhaps a heart replete with passion,
fills the eyes in different fashion;
perhaps it stems from hope, or pride,
and joy along that teardrop rides.

And now I see my lover's tears,
her hands to mine she softly steals.
I look at her, and she at me,
Our souls entwined in ecstasy;
and as I kneel and ask her clear
Her eyes reflect what dwells inside...
that love along that teardrop rides!

She said YES!!!!

So Bud and I took Sweet Lady to a special place today so we could ask her a very important question. We had the ring ready in Bud's pocket and I had a card hidden. We sat her down, had her close her eyes and asked her not to open them until we said so. Bud got down on one knee while I read to her what we had written. When I was done we had her open her eyes. Bud had the ring out for her and presented it to her while he told her how much he loved her; he wanted her to know he was committed to her for better or worse for the rest of his life if she would have him. She started to cry. He put the ring down beside her, told her she could take some time if she needed to. We both hugged her, told her we loved her. She said yes so I sat down in front of her and slid the ring onto her finger. I think I'm more excited now than I was when Bud asked me to marry him. We have no date set or anything like that yet but I'll keep my blog up to date when we do. I still can't believe she said yes....she said YES omg omg omg she said YES!!!!!

Different relationships

When you enter the poly world it's easy to get caught up in comparing relationships. We are so used to the model of monogamy as to how relationships can work that our minds can get stuck in searching for that even when we know we're in a poly relationship. We see how others within our poly circle relate to one another and we automatically want *that* kind of relationship. Even worse we begin to feel like our relationship with the same person isn't working because it isn't like that relationship over there.

I got caught up in that very thing early on in the poly process. I saw the passionate, extended love making sessions and all night snuggling that Bud and Sweet Lady would engage in. I was consumed with feeling like I wasn't good enough or being treated the same as her. After all when Bud, and I had sex it was always the same, it was considerably shorter and I was lucky if I could get a few minutes of snuggling with him. Usually he just went back to his side of the bed, rolled over and went to sleep. He certainly wasn't keeping me wrapped tightly in his arms all night long, kissing my forehead, whispering in my ear or smiling contently in his sleep like he did with Sweet Lady.

At first I really struggled with this. I was happy on the outside for them but on the inside I was wondering what was wrong with me. Once I was able to step back and look at it from a logical viewpoint instead of an emotional one I finally understood. I didn't have this with Bud because our relationship had evolved into something else over time. We did do those things when our relationship was new. It was that newly found love and bonding that had kept us together long enough to get to a point of being comfortable with one another. We no longer needed those things with each other because the bond was already there. Bud and Sweet Lady still need that foundation to build on. If they build their relationship without a solid foundation it will teeter and fall. I need to step back and let them build it. Even more important than taking a step back is making sure they both feel loved and supported in the process.

When I began to look at it in this way I was able to understand that Bud and Sweet Lady were bonding the way he and I had in the beginning. You see Bud is not a talker. He never has been. His way of showing he cares is very private. He allows you into his heart by keeping you physically close to his heart ie all night snuggling sessions and making you feel good through sex. Which right now for him is HUGE because sex is always excruciatingly painful for him with the back issues he's having. He's putting himself out there and suffering in order to make us feel loved. Granted it may not be exactly what we want when we want it but he's making an effort in the best way he knows how.Sometimes when we love a person we have to step outside our own thought bubble of the right way to do things and see if the way in front of us was actually the right way all along.

Our Bud is hurting

Bud has been having horrible back pain for a while. He's really struggling right now and it's so hard to see. Sweet Lady and I have talked about it a few times. We both agree our focus needs to shift to what is best for him right now until we get him through this.

Things between Sweet Lady and I are wonderful. I'm so glad I stuck it out in the beginning when feelings were all new and surprising. If I had let the negative garbage in my head win I would be missing out on having a woman who is amazing beyond words as part of my life.

This blog post is going to be a short one. Kiddos are getting ready for school. I'm also freezing! Need to get dressed. Fall is here in Vermont. The leaves are changing color, nights are getting cold and everything pumpkin has arrived in stores. Mmmmm pumpkin...maybe that will be my next blog post.

Hold back or open up

When we have some specified thing that is a deal breaker for us-it's usually a good sign we need to do some hefty considering about that thing because; while it could be a simple, healthy boundary,there is a high risk that it's actually not. That it is in fact a place where we are holding ourselves back from fully opening up.This is an issue I had to look at not long ago and examine my own feelings, intentions, wishes about.

I'm not sure exactly how it all started but my first memory of it being something I thought about or had any feelings on was during a late night cuddle session between me, Bud and Sweet Lady. I only remember hearing him tell her they would make cute babies together. The two of them were wrapped up in each others' arms in post sex glow while I was laying holding Sweet Lady's hand, half asleep next to them. It was late so I think I may have fallen asleep shortly after hearing it. I honestly don't recall any other details since it was a while ago. It sure did get my brain thinking over the next few weeks.

I approached Bud about the idea of them having a baby together. I told him I was very opposed to the idea. His only children in this world were with me. I wanted to keep it that way. I had already shared so much of him with Sweet Lady that I felt as if I needed to keep this one piece of him as mine and mine only. As soon as the words left my mouth so my ears could hear them, I felt horrible. Somehow it didn't sound so bad when it was only thoughts.

They are both my partners, hopefully life long partners. The other piece of that is; if one of my partners did want to have a child with someone else, it's not my place to hold my partner back. There's a point in poly where we are forced to face ourselves in a mirror and consider just exactly how polyamorous we are willing to be. I use that word in the strictest sense of multiple-loves.

Because love isn't limited.

If we aren't willing to allow full and complete loving relationships, are we really polyamorous or are we maybe something more like polykinky or polyaffectionate or something? Not that we need to create new terminology-but that we need to dig deeper into our own selves and identify what it is that we really are accepting of. Because if we aren't accepting of our partners earning the same privileges with other partners as they earned with us-then we are playing a favorites game and that isn't loving...

I've been Sweet Lady's biggest advocate in being sure she is treated as an equal partner, as a co-primary, not a secondary in any sense of the word. In my own mind I was being ethical and fair in my relationships when in reality I was behaving very selfishly. I was letting jealousy and possessiveness rule my emotions there by putting my partners in a position of having to choose to behave how I wanted. I wasn't allowing them the freedom to be themselves or make their own decisions about their relationships. Even worse I was the one keeping Sweet Lady in secondary status. I was the one taking things away from her. Realizing this was heart breaking for me.

Here is this beautiful, kind, giving, loving woman who has bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved by her. She's become a second mom to my own children. She has fully accepted all of our craziness without complaint or an expression of second thoughts. She will never be able to be Bud's wife because I already have that title and laws don't allow her the same status. Now I was using my own emotional garbage to keep her and Bud from sharing the one last thing left for them to show each other and the world the love they share, a child together, by telling Bud he couldn't do it.

I have since come full circle in my feelings on the idea of them someday having a child of their own. Whether they do or not is up to them.But it will be something I fully support if they do decide to. After working through my own stuff I've been able to come to a place of being happy for them if they do (maybe even secretly excited about the possibility). But Shhhhhh don't tell them because it is their choice after all, not mine.

Sitting in the kitchen

Last night our lovely lady spent the night at her own house. We missed her horribly. Bud and I did spend the night snuggled up following one another across the bed so that was nice. It was still odd not having her here. I woke up a few times checking to see if she had come over.

This morning she came over after all of the kids headed off to school. It was nice to see her sitting at the table when I came downstairs from the shower. She had Little Dude (Bud and my 3 yr old son) on her lap. He absolutely adores her! He plays with her, laughs with her, talks to her, holds her hand, hugs her, tells her he loves her. She fits in so well with every aspect of our life. It's as if she was always meant to be here and finally came home.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to go get my tattoo on my hand. I'm so excited to have it done. Also a little nervous about how much it will hurt. I've had tattoos done across my chest so I imagine the top of my hand won't really be that bad. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I'll post a pic of it after I get home.

Being a triad is hard work

First and foremost I have to start this blog post with a huge thank you to Sweet Lady. She brings something into this relationship that is so amazing. I'm not sure words will be able to accurately describe it. I'll try my best to convey how perfectly she fits into the family.

A few nights ago we all had a sit down conversation about equality, primaries, co-primaries, secondaries, jealousy, feeling like a third wheel, time together, displays of affection with each other etc. Before the sit down Sweet Lady and I had talked one on one about it. She told me some observations and thoughts she had about our relationship with Bud. I wasn't sure if she was right but it made sense so I didn't discount it in any way.

Then Bud was acting a bit strangely the next night when we were all in bed. He said it was because of his back pain. He does have a lot of back pain but I had a feeling there was more to it than that. He sent me some text messages sounding as if he was bothered by the relationship I was developing with her. The following day his mood was off with me. I couldn't pinpoint anything that happened that day to change his mood so I wondered if it was carrying over from the previous night. We had a very uncomfortable evening/night because of it.

I had not yet said anything to Sweet Lady about any of it. She was trying really hard to be close to me. I had so much swirling around in my head that I was trying to keep quiet so it could work itself out that I was afraid to be close to her for fear I would upset Bud again. I ended up being very mean to both of them and put us all in a really uncomfortable place. I felt so bad as soon as the words were out of my mouth. There was no taking them back unfortunately. Now I have to try to repair the damage caused by my outburst.

I'm still amazed that Sweet Lady knew exactly what was bothering him. She has a connection with him that is different than mine. At one point she worried about being a third wheel, about not being a full part of this relationship because she was the outsider coming into an established relationship. She is far from an outsider. It's so apparent that we are meant to be together. There is no way all the things that happened to allow us to be together were a coincidence. I only hope we can make it right and figure this out moving forward.

My song to both of my loves...

I love you please go away

So the night before last I had a bit of a temper tantrum while we were in bed together. We'd all gone to sleep then woke up in the middle of the night. In our groggy half awake state my partners started getting touchy with one another. Normally this would be fine. I may choose to watch, participate or roll over and go back to sleep. None of those three options is better or worse. We all just let things happen usually. There has been some discussions in the past about things one or more of us felt uncomfortable or unsure about to make certain we're all on the same page.

One of those discussions has been around the fact that I initiate lots with our girl and she seemed either withdrawn or reluctant to give back or meet me in the middle when it comes to adult time between us girls. Up to this point she had never stopped me or said no so I figured she was still feeling shy. She had said she was feeling shy because it had been many years since she was intimate with a woman. She had been in a 14 year mono marriage with a man. She also wanted to be sure of her feelings for me before she moved too far because she's not the kind of person who has sex just for fun. That's a fair enough response. Definitely something I can give her space and time to figure out.

During this time period our connection was growing, or so I thought. We spent countless hours talking, hanging out together, hugging, holding one another, being there for each other when someone had a bad day etc. She told me daily she loved me. A few nights ago I never imagined I would get the response from her that I did when I tried to initiate adult time. She told me no. It wasn't a casual no. It was a pretty stern no. I backed off, left her alone and went to sleep.

The following night was when I had my temper tantrum. The two of them were getting pretty hot & heavy with each other. I asked them if they could please take it in the extra bedroom. Hubby asked why. I said because it's bothering me to lay here while you two touch each other, I don't want to see it or hear it tonight. He rolled over toward the wall. She laid quietly in the middle. I got up and went downstairs for an hour and a half.

While I was downstairs I wrote out my feelings. I was feeling very confused, hurt, a little envious, overall badly about how I perceived the relationship between her and I to be taking shape. Seeing/hearing them was the last straw for my emotions. I told her I needed clarification once and for all about whether her and I were going to remain friends sharing a love for the same man or if we were going to be lovers as well because I was developing strong feelings for her. If we were going to remain only friends I needed to know so I could protect my own heart.

I ended up going back up to bed. Hubby was sound asleep. She was still awake. She tried to hold me, asking if I wanted to talk. I pulled away, said no. After I'd thought about it for a while I decided she deserved the respect of hearing my feelings directly from me not in an email. So we came downstairs to talk. She told me all of her feelings, her thoughts etc. and I felt horrible for blowing up at them. I'd let things fester for too long until my emotions were too tender to remain rational.

At the end of the conversation she took my face in her hands, looked me in the eyes, told me she loved me and gave me kisses filled with electricity. It was like fireworks.

Each relationship is different

Even when you have a triad like we do each relationship ends up being very very different. I'm still confused about the way our triad seems to be taking shape but I'm trying really hard to just let it happen in whatever manner it's meant to. Our girlfriend seems to have the emotionally charged, deep conversations kind of connection with me. She has the sexual connection with my husband. Actually she just has the sex with him. The sex with me is pretty much non-existent unless boob play is considered sex. It's not how I'm used to a relationship being so I don't have any reference point to compare from to figure out if this is OK or not. Emotionally it doesn't feel ok. I tried addressing it to see what it all means. Right now I feel very left out, confused, hurt, and jealous of the connection he has with her. I can see that sex is an extension of their love for one another. I don't have that with her. My intuition is telling me if we can't get it together and communicate this isn't going to work. That thought is heart breaking.

Letting go of rules

When we first began our journey into the poly world we had rules set up between hubby and I about our own relationship. We felt like we had to protect it at all costs. After all we'd been together longer. Our relationship was more important. My logical mind understood the reasons behind this mindset but my heart despised it. Having this set up felt icky to me. It felt like we were keeping our other relationship from being able to grow and our partner from being allowed to feel like a person.

I asked my husband if we could please drop the rules so we could be free to love one another however it happened naturally. If all 3 of us felt like spending time together we could. If only 2 of us felt like spending time together we could. If any of us felt we wanted or needed more time with someone we could be free to do so without worrying about who's turn it was to be with that person. He agreed so I presented the idea to our girlfriend. She didn't have any objections either. So here we are. We are free from rules, obligations, expectations....we're finally free to be ourselves.....we can love without having to feel like we might upset someone else in the triad. Of course it's still a work in progress. We will inevitably stumble along the way. We're human after all.

It's been so incredibly liberating to feel this free. I lay in bed at night watching my two loves hold one another as they sleep. The looks of happiness, joy, contentment, and love on their faces is so beautiful. I haven't felt this happy in a very long time. 

Moving Along

In my last post I told you about one of the hardest times for me. While that is important to tell you, especially if you're thinking about beginning a similar journey, it's also important to tell you the good things. There is a lot more good than bad so I'm not sure where to start. Hmmm maybe with the night I was going to join hubby and his girlfriend. That was when my world would again change forever.

I was so nervous about joining them! I am bisexual but it had been more than a decade since I'd been intimate with a woman. Maybe it's like riding a bike...once you learn you never forget? Holy crap...I never did learn how to ride a book. What was I going to do? How was I supposed to feel? This was not what my mind and emotions had geared up for. I was still trying to get used to the idea of my husband being intimate with another woman. I was not ready for all of this. Someone stop the train!!! I'm going to sit this ride out, maybe I'll get on the next train to ride.

It felt like I was cheating on him when I touched her. My monogamous mindset couldn't fully accept that I was...that I had done something sexual with a person who wasn't my husband. On top of that I also had feelings for this lovely lady I was spending so much time with. I was beginning to be able to see myself spending a lifetime loving her just as much as I do my husband.

He and I talked in great length about my feelings, my confusion, where my head was at. Being the absolutely amazing wonderful man that he is he told me all of my feelings were OK. He reassured me I had not cheated on him. He was happy for me that I was starting to love her. Just like I was happy for him that he loved her. So onward we move to the next chapter...

Hello World

This is my first post on a blog since becoming involved in a polyamorous relationship. It wasn’t always so. I was my husband’s one and only for 14 years; aside from a couple of brief time periods when he left in order to pursue another woman in a mono fashion before realizing he wanted to be with me and coming back. I knew almost a decade ago that he was not wired to love one woman exclusively for the rest of his life. I presented my thoughts to him a few times over the years to think about. While he agreed, he was also afraid of admitting it to himself, to me, his family, the world, that he needed more than me. Afterall we live in a world that says monogamy is the “right” way to do relationships.

I’m not sure my intellectual mind believes that. Look at the divorce rates to see how well monogamy serves people. It’s apparent that monogamy is not all it’s cracked up to be. How about turning on day time television to see the plethora of shows about cheating spouses and the damage it has caused for many lives. You could search through the yellow pages and find a private investigator to follow your spouse in order to prove their extra-marital affairs beyond a reasonable doubt or look through phone texts, emails, online activity etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on of the ways you could see that monogamy does not work. Ahhh but then the question comes up does polyamory work any better or even at all?

In order to find the answer to that question my husband and I spent countless hours talking about every possible scenario we could think of in an attempt to analyze our feelings if the scenario in question were to happen. I felt fairly confident I could be OK with my husband loving another at the same time he loves me. I’m not a jealous person. I got this!!! I told myself that so much it became second nature. I even believed it to be true. My belief wasn’t meant to trick anyone nor hurt anyone. I really truly thought I would never feel a single twinge of jealousy. Boy oh boy was I in for it when I was finally faced with it. Little did I know reality was waiting in the wings to beat me senseless for having thought that.

There was a stretch of time things rolled along smoothly once hubby had his girlfriend. Until we got to August 13 of this year. I gave him and his girlfriend a hug, said good night to them, and went upstairs to the extra room of our house while they went into the marital bedroom my hubby and I had shared to spend the night together. It wasn’t the first time they had spent the night together. This was to be the night reality was going to jump out of the closet swinging at me with everything it had. And let me tell you reality packed one hell of a punch right to my gut! I spent the entire night awake pacing, drawing, watching tv, writing letters to my hubby, reading online poly forums…doing anything I could think of just to make the damn pain stop. I was desperate for it to just STOP. I still have the letter I wrote to my hubby that night as a reminder of not only where I was but also where I never ever want to be again.

I still struggle to stay out of that place. A place of wanting to do the easy thing. A place of wanting to run away. I love my husband dearly. He is my soul mate. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But there is still this piece of me that desperately wishes I was enough for him. A part of me that wishes I could wake up one morning with all of this having been a dream and there is no other woman that he loves.

Alas that is not reality. This isn’t a dream. I’m not going to wake up because I’m already awake. There is another woman he loves. She’s not just another woman either. She’s a beautiful, vivacious, kind-hearted, gentle soul who lights up his life in ways I do not and cannot do for him. The love they share deserves to be celebrated even if I’m feeling some days like my world is crashing down around me. So I’m giving them freedom and space to take their relationship in whatever direction suits them.